Say My Name Say My Name?

Funny conversation the other day with my wife as I started laughing when she said: "Hey Lamar" I couldn't stop laughing and she seemed a little irritated with me that I couldn't stop laughing.

She says (very perturbed) "why are you laughing? I said I very rarely hear you say my name. She said sure you do. I said no not really.

I get: babe, bae, Mar, boo, honey. But I rarely hear her say my name. In almost 12 yrs of marriage (a blessing in itself) and I very rarely hear my name ever. To my girls I'm dad or daddy. To my my wife I'm the above-mentioned names. At work I'm Pringle or Pastor, Pastor Pringle, just Pringle , I may hear my actual first name a handful of time in any given week.

It seems to that only strangers use my name. At the doctors office or any waiting room. I can hear. But those are far and few between.

Destiny's Childs song say my name has new meaning to me now. I may be different than most of my friends but I actually LOVE my name. Lamar I love the fact that my mom picked that name and I love introducing myself to people.

"Hi my I'm Lamar" I say then because of my deep voice people damn near every time miss the "la" part and think I said: Mark.

Hello Mark. Damnit I still can't get my name spoken. I correct if the setting requires it but if I'm at a bar or restraint then I say "fuck it" I'll just go with it.

I guess my plight is to be nameless but I still long for the day when you will just say my name say my name.

I can't Believe My Words

A few days ago I decided to unknowingly share words with a dear friend. Due to my sensitivity and how deep
My insecurities run I shared words that have broken down my disdain for using words only in the written form of communication. When one speaks face to face they see your facial expressions and even hear your tone. And the written word is dangerous because you often are left to your own empty understanding of the words.

I often wonder if those closest too me could ever truly let me be me. That is complex. I am complex. Being that I love channeling all facets of myself. Whether that is the sensitive, bold quiet shy outgoing moody way that I am. I'm a man and not ashamed or uncomfortable changing my mind dropping a "fuck off" and then turning around and saying hello. Because they all represent who I am.

Some can't deal with that. But I've been cursed at so much in my life that I very rarely take it to heart. I take it as this person is going through something so I'll listen. I guess it comes with the career. parents get upset allot about their children and I can listen to their rant and i deal with some pretty hard kids who decide to take it out on me. And I am prone to piss people off inadvertently or even on purpose from time to time.

But it's the "elect" as my brother says that will stay close and push through the bullshit that is my facade and stay with me through the thick and the very thin.

But there are those in my life who get this and are scarred from ye merry go round of my emotions. Yet I beg to ask ye question: "don't all of our emotions go round and round?" we aren't as progressive as we seem. We are maturing species that at times still emote no differently than when we were young. We may be able to control it more but nonetheless I suspect there are more similarities than differences

I love because I hate, I understand only because I don't know. I have Possible Wishes that aren't really Possible and aren't really Wishes.

It's Me and I'm okay with that are you? #KanyeShrug.

Words

i can't stop thinking about the need to be creative and write my thoughts down, the problem with sharing them all is that words are more powerful than anything in this world.  They cause us to love, fight, die, give life.  In the Bible's allegory of beginnings, it's start is from the words of the Creator, in John1 it's about the Word (Ha davar) of the Creator.  I'm going to attempt to release my worries and my thoughts in this forum where i can't be interrupted or bound by the traditional 140 characters.

The power of saying I love you vs Spewing Fuck off is a thin line, because saying I love you can be used as a death blow and saying Fuck off can be used  as something erotic.

Words are everlasting, they stick to you and never let go, we try to forget some of the hurtful words said to us and it's the same words that can give us life.  in world with no words, life wouldn't be miserable. Stay tuned.